WiFi is sparse and the roaming data I thought I could rely on is currently not working. To feel disconnected through technology - disconnected emotionally - and disconnected physically in a foreign country has left me with a lot of time to think. I think that I’m not good at being alone.

I’ve relied so much on my friends and family to try and fill that desire for connection and belonging that I’ve always craved, and to be deprived of it has left me feeling empty inside. The effect of this has been twofold - on one hand, I do feel upset, but on the other, I’m upset at myself for being upset. Does that make sense?

I’m frustrated that I’ve been relying so much on the people around me to provide me with happiness instead of finding it within myself, by myself. Rationally, I know I should cut myself a bit of slack - I was told that I would experience this kind of loneliness and sadness when I first leave for exchange, and that it was completely normal. Perhaps it was too idealistic of me to think that I could ever deviate from that norm.

I haven’t felt so helpless for a long time, where I feel like I can’t ask anyone for help because of the language barrier, where I can’t help myself because I’m not connected to the Internet, where the people I love can’t help me because they’re thousands of miles away and without a means of contacting me. You never really figure out your dependencies until you’ve been completely cut from them, so maybe this is the universe telling me that it’s time for me to become truly independent and figure it all out on my own.

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